Paper Doll
by ScarletMissCharlotte
Summary: "There's a heartbeat & it never really died" - Stevie Nicks.
1. Revelation

**This was originally going to play part of 'Shoulder to Shoulder', but I decided against it. I have extracted what I slotted in to that fiction and took this in to a new direction - But research wise it is all there true to fact. Short opener, I do apologise., but I hope it is okay, and this is for my wonderful 'Rena' shipper Lee. **

* * *

Paper Doll

Ric Griffin scoured the hospital car park, feeling anxious; he had stood waiting by girlfriend of five months Serena Campbell's car for at least half an hour. He was to head back to her place again tonight; hence, why he did not have his car, they arrived together and were to leave together. They did not flaunt their relationship, but colleagues knew they were together, yet that only happened at the charity event held in Albie's around two months ago. After all fundraising events were over, some faces got a little merry. Serena in particular, in which, Serena, without thinking she pulled Ric to, for a cheeky snog suggesting they should make a night of it elsewhere. It had left them with the consequences of hospital gossip, but unlike her relationship with Edward, Serena found herself feeling far more content with this.

As Ric returned to the car, Serena still did not show, she would not answer her phone; in truth, he had not seen her for most of the day. It worried not because he was overly protective, but Serena would never go back on her word. If she were to do something, she would see it through and if she could not, she would always make the effort to inform the relevant person.

As he circled the car park for the second time, he considered the possibility that Serena may have headed to Albie's, and that maybe that had been the plan, he had just forgotten that information. Yet as he walked in to the bar, it became instantly clear she was not in there. The two spots they often sat in were vacant, and the remaining seated areas were almost unoccupied.

Screwing his face, as the Barman, who knew of both he and Serena from the regular appearances informed him that Serena hadn't been in, Ric found himself more worried as he dialled her mobile number for the seventh time. It rang endlessly before going to voicemail. This was ridiculous, even by Serena's standards, he actually started to get rather annoyed, he couldn't get a taxi home, he had left his house keys at Serena's, and much like his car that was also parked at her place, he had left his car keys there too.

Ric could only think of one other place that Serena would be, and that was Keller Ward. Her little haven as she liked to call it, yet once again he found himself in disappointment, Arthur Digby, who was working the famous 'death slot' had informed him that he saw Serena leave hours ago.

Something was not right; Ric could feel it. An overwhelming sense of worry rushed through his body; he always knew when something was wrong with Serena. She would either go awfully quiet; go on warpath or hideaway, to conceal her pain. He could feel that this was her hiding away, running away. Yet, he continued his search for her.

He did not suspect she would be in there, light were off, but he had to check - just in case. Ric had an instinct that Serena was in the office. Opening the door, he automatically flicked on the light, peering over to Serena's desk.

She had not even reacted to him coming in, her face bewildered, he could tell she had been crying, her eyes had that glaze and rightly so, she had been crying, she had cried for what felt like hours, feeling so much confusion, pain. Old memories had re-emerge, memories that she buried away and refused to seek help from.

"Serena" Ric spoke, yet Serena did not move, "_Serena_" He spoke again leaning across the desk.

"Yes" After a considerable amount of time, she spoke softly.

"Are you okay?"

" No" Serena responded bluntly.

"What's wrong?" Ric asked he found it difficult to read Serena. At times, it lay awfully easy, but tonight - he had no idea.

"I'm pregnant"

"What?"

" I'm _pregnant_," Serena repeated, throwing down the paper bag, which contained the three pregnancy tests she had taken.

"I thought you couldn't have any more children"

"That's what I thought, that is how it's been for the last _thirteen_ years," Serena snapped, it was true, thirteen years ago, she suffered a rather horrific miscarriage. In result of the miscarriage developed PID, something that usually come from an STD. Coupled with the breakdown of her marriage to Edward, discovering that her Fallopian Tubes were left scarred as a result of the PID had left her heartbroken, confused, and uncertain. For thirteen years, she had gone without falling pregnant, of course, she as a grown woman practiced safe sex, but even at times even, she could lapse. Ric knew all this, yet in his own shock, he was a little less than tact,

"Is it mine?"

The horror in Serena's face rocketed around the room, that question stung, it was a low move, even for Ric. "You really have to ask? I am _so_ stupid; I _always_ pick the wrong men. I never learn"

Standing up from her desk, she pushed by Ric, sickened to think that he believed she would have been unfaithful. Her world became absorbed in his after Ric's daughter had fallen victim to Domestic Violence. Ric had turned to Serena for friendly support, but things took a passionate turn. That was five months ago, and up until recently, they had not whispered the 'love' word. That happened over a spontaneous conversation in the prep room in Keller Theatre, over the less romantic subject of a gall stone patient.

Pushing passed Ric, Serena felt him grab her hand, "Serena... We need to talk"

"I was talking, you... You, insulted me, insulted our relationship"

"I'm sorry; I can't get my head around this"

"You think I can?"

" No" Ric replied gently taking her other hand and rubbing them both lightly "What are the odds?"

" Ridiculously against us, it can't be right can it?"

" What made you take a test?" Ric asked, he then smiled, "Well, three?"

"I felt sick, nausea has loomed all day, and given that and I quote you from last night, _'Serena your breasts feel different, bigger, what have you been up to?'_ Given that sleeping with you counts as my only exercise... and I concluded that I am pregnant. I didn't actually think I'd get positive reading, let alone three..." Serena replied, her symptoms in previous pregnancies were low-key, always mild and did not get in the way of work.

"We'll need to book an appointment with Mr. Thompson, get you looked at"

"So the entire hospital can have a gossip, no, no chance. I have a friend who runs a clinic in a private hospital, his sister was my midwife years ago, and he also knows my history... plus he owes me..."

"It's your call"

Serena sighed breaking her contact with Ric and perched herself on the desk, falling silent, her call or not, she had no idea what to do, there was so much to think about, so many questions to ask. Ric sat himself beside her, and he wrapped his arm around her waist. Resting into his shoulder, Serena closed her eyes. "I don't know what to do, I sat in here, in darkness for two hours, and I, I don't know what to think, and this it's impossible..."

"We can talk about this in the morning"

"You think we have time to saunter over it, Ric, I don't even know how far gone I am, whether I'm _actually_ pregnant, or if my body has once again screwed me over". Pulling away in frustration, she almost did not want him touching her.

"A clearer head, a rested mind is what you need" Ric remained calm; he knew when not to argue with Serena.

"I need a large glass of Shiraz ..."

"_'Re_..." Ric had only ever used that endearment twice before, she hated her mother's overuse of 'Rena' but 'Re' had its merits, although Serena was glad he never used it often, she adored Ric, but soppy sentiments weren't a thing she enjoyed.

"Ric..."

"It will be okay, whatever the outcome" Ric gently took her hands. "I promise you..."

"Okay, we'll talk tomorrow" Serena sighed, "You can still stay tonight, Dates off though. I just want my bed and maybe a cuddle, _maybe_..."

Ric gave Serena a gentle squeeze, although acting the moral support, and not revealing any further thoughts to Serena's pregnancy, and in fairness, he was not sure what he thought. He had six children, but only five living. Another child was never on the agenda, but the thought lay nice.

Yet, these thoughts alone would not be enough; they had to talk this over, and in-depth. They had to find the questions they needed to ask, they needed to find whether Serena was actually pregnant, and if so how, logic aside as of the case of unprotected sex, Serena needed to find out how she ended up pregnant if thirteen years ago doctors told her that it would never be a possibility. Furthermore, if she was actually pregnant, both she and Ric had to talk about the options, their options not just in terms of them becoming parents, factoring their ages and other life circumstances, but also in terms of their careers. It was not going to stand as a pretty conversation from any angle.


	2. Discoveries

**This is the main thing I was to originally include in 'Shoulder to Shoulder' but didn't. Again as I have mentioned, I did research this area, read a number of journals and even found newspaper stories of 'real life' accounts.**

**Channelling some emotions here, hence why I started writing this.. not that I do not have enough morbidity on the go**

**Thanks to all those who have taken time to read and drop a review (Don't hate me Lee) **

* * *

Discoveries

Arriving at the private clinic just North of Holby, Serena sat nervously in the passenger's seat. She luckily had the rest of the day off as she was only working the morning clinic; Ric on the other hand had escaped work for an hour to accompany his girlfriend. Ric had not disclosed why he had to take some time away, just that it lay personal.

Despite saying that they would talk things over the following morning, they failed to follow through. Serena put up her defences; she decided there was nothing to talk about until they had the facts. This had left them with nothing but a four-day wait to see Obs & Gynae Consultant Michael Reid. Yet, it started to become more apparent that Serena found herself with child. Heartburn had become an issue, and Serena developed a taste for Donner Kebab - something she only ever recalled eating as a University Student, after a night out. She found the concept of eating such vile processed food antagonising, the craving kicked in from nowhere. Tiredness kicked in, hitting her like a wave, she woke up that morning feeling utterly exhausted.

Serena had hoped that this was all in her head; her body was just acting pregnant when it was not, and she could not contemplate risking everything in her life for pregnancy.

Nevertheless, no time like the present, and Serena did Ric, walked arm in arm into the clinic. Everything seemed so chic and modern, more like a modern living room to a penthouse apartment that saw life once or twice a week. Before they knew it, the receptionist called out Serena's name, without even saying a word, Ric knew that Serena wanted him to join her, and he wanted to join her. Together they went on to find the outcome for their impending future.

"Michael"

"Serena" he replied in almost surprise, he knew she coming in, he had her notes, but part of him did not suspect that it would actually be her, despite speaking to her on the phone.

"So what brought you to Holby?" Serena asked, she knew he had been in the area for little over a year, they had known each other from their times at Kings Hospital in London. Moreover, she was skirting around the real reason she was here.

"Seeking new opportunities, fancied the private sector"

"You're _in_ Holby"

"So are you"

Serena shrugged, it was true, and she too of course had been in Holby for little over two years now. "This is my... My partner Ric"

Michael nodded as he invited them to sit down, from knowing her history; he assumed he knew why she was here, only he could not be more wrong.

"So, what can I do for you?" He asks as he sees Serena reach out for Ric's hand.

"I... I think I'm pregnant" After a small stutter, Serena stated the facts rather bluntly "I have had three positive tests, my body is giving me all the signs. You told me thirteen years ago that this wouldn't happen to me again."

Michael rubbed his face, he was about to speak, before Serena spoke up again.

"I'm a forty-nine year old woman, with what are _knackered_ Fallopian Tubes, I can't fall pregnant... Can I?"

"I will be straight with you both, age aside. Falling pregnant with scarred Fallopian Tubes is unlikely, but with advances in medical research, we have seen a number of women conceiving naturally after _years_ of infertility issues, cases identical to yours. It happens..."

"_Great_, nice to know I was kept informed" Serena sniped.

"Serena" Ric spoke in a low tone, promoting her to give him a glare, but seeing his face, she held back her bite.

"I understand, that this could stand as a shock, and with your history, I empathise with you on a personal level" Michael continued "I'm going to give you a physical examination to your heart, lungs, breasts, abdomen, and pelvic areas. I will also conduct an ultrasound, so we know what we are looking at"

Serena shrugged, she could not argue what he wanted to do, and she effectively found herself as the patient. She half zoned out during her psychical examination, she was there, and she heard and answered all the questions Michael asked her. Yet, in her mind, she felt like she had gone to another place.

As the cold gel and transducer moved slowly over her skin, Serena just looked up blankly to the ceiling. She could feel Ric squeeze her hand gently, and she knew he stood looking at the monitor. Suddenly she found her presence back in the room.

"Well, Serena. I can definitely confirm you _are_ pregnant, going on size and what you tell me, you're... nine weeks ..." Michael gave a small smile, "With twins... Sticking with the tradition"

Twins ran in Serena's maternal side of the family, it always skipped a generation. Serena being an only having conceived twins, for now what could stand as the third time. Her mother had a twin sister, and if the pattern followed like it had done in previous generations, Eleanor's children's children should all have twins.

As soon as Serena heard those final words, her heart raced, she felt clammy and confined, bolting upright, freeing herself from the ultrasound and Ric's gentle grasp.

"I have to get out of here," she muttered, cleaning her stomach, grabbing her handbag and making a sharp exit for the door.

She could not understand why he had to sound so cheery over the subject, had he forgotten her pain, all the hurt she had went through years ago. He was the one who told her that the likelihood that she would ever conceive again was not worth thinking about and that if she ever did want to get pregnant, she should try IVF. Everything appeared to crash around her, she did not want this, not in these circumstances, but she did not want it to go away either. She just felt so heavily conflicted as she made her way to the safety of Ric's car. Tears instantly fell as her world shattered around her, her heeling heart wounded by old memories.

Ric soon appeared some ten minutes later to find Serena sat in tears in the passenger's seat of his car. He had never seen such a reaction before. Stepping in to the driver's side of the car, Ric exhaled heavily, this was not a woman failed to receive a positive outcome, this ran deeper, and Ric felt there was something there that Serena was holding back on.

"_Serena_"

"Ric, I ..." She struggled to speak as she felt Ric grasp her hand.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me"

Serena shook her head, she did not feel brave enough to reveal the truth, it hurt so much, but the pain and anguish would not disappear.

"... You do not have to tell me, if it is not the right thing for you to do. However, I am here Serena. I'm not leaving your side until I know you are okay, work can wait ..."

"Twins"

"_What_?" Ric raised an eyebrow with curiosity, "What about twins?"

Through the years that rolled down her face, through the nagging lump that Serena had in her voice, something told her that telling Ric would not be so bad after all. "Eleanor had a twin, a brother... I had an _okay_ pregnancy... The babies, they were healthy ..." Serena sniffed as Ric's hold of her hand got tighter, silently letting her know he was not going anywhere. "When I went into labour, it... It went well. Hurt like hell despite the epidural. Ellie, she came first, just perfect. I, I do not really recall what happened next... It's all a blur... Something changed, I felt distressed... I couldn't push, and he was on his way, he wanted to come. I _could_ feel him... They had to pull him out, but it was too late. The, the umbilical cord, it was so tight around his neck, I remember this blue face, this tiny blue face... My baby boy, he died... And I.. I.. It's.. ."

Serena crumbled, Ric let go of her hand and pulled her close, as best as he could "_Oh_, Jesus... Serena..." Words failed him, yet Serena's behaviour to run away at the discovery of carrying twins made sense. Everything made sense, coupling this with what he knew about her miscarriage, there was no wonder as to why falling pregnant caused Serena so much upset and conflict.

Yet there was nothing he could do to change Serena's past, and he could predict the future, he knew he could not protect her from anything that nature had planned. All he could do was be there, not because he had to, but because he wanted to.

He accepted that had Serena not fallen pregnant, he may never have discovered this secret part of Serena's life, but it made him understand her. Even in knowing that she probably held deeper secrets with regards to her pregnancies, her marriage to Edward. Ric knew that, right now all he could do was see this moment through, hold her tight.

That's all Ric did for a quarter of an hour as Serena held on to him for all she was worth, sobbing, a barrage of grief she had never dealt with, flooding out. He kissed her hair gently as he felt her warm tears slowly start to seep through his jacket, the woman he loved felt so much pain, and had no idea how to handle it, how to deal with such aching heartbreak, she had buried it for too many years.

He let her cry until she could cry no more. In exhaustion she flunked back into the passenger's seat, her face ached, her head pounded. She felt rubbish, unattractive and unworthy of this situation. Ric stayed silent and let Serena see it through until she were ready to talk, returning to work really could wait.

"I don't think I love them... I don't think I feel _anything_ for them" Serena sighed as she rubbed her still tear-stained eyes, before resting her hands on her tummy. "They are here, in my body, I don't know if I want them there. No, I _know_ I don't want them in there. I could not purposely abort them, I am not that sort of person, but they aren't safe in my body... I don't trust my body... This is a high-risk pregnancy, and the chances of this going full-term... "

"To feel those things, you have _some_ feelings for them" Ric replied, "I won't judge you on whatever you want to do. My main concern is you, I don't want to see you hurt, I do not want to see you go through that pain again"

As much as the life of their unborn babies may have meant to him, Serena was his priority, her wellbeing, her happiness. He would rather not become a father again, if going through with pregnancy left Serena in fear and feeling miserable.

Serena just shrugged, "I don't know what I want to do. I am taking over as CEO next month when Guy leaves. _Finally_, after being put down so many times, I get the job I _always_ wanted. I cannot take on a new job pregnant... and I'm a year closer to fifty; you're sixty-two..."

"Don't remind me" Ric interjected "I get it _we're_ old. Children with older parents, have a rough time of it with bullying. But they are _our_ babies and they could ..."

".. Be so precious"

Ric and Serena looked at each other on the eyes, this situation was far from resolving itself, and it seemed to get worse. Like a snowball rolling down a hill gathering more snow as it went along. A perfect symbolism for Ric and Serena's situation, the more they took the time to think things over, the greater time got - the further into pregnancy she would become. More secrets, truths about their personal circumstances were coming to light.

"I'm taking home" Ric spoke softly

"Home?"

"Your home"

"It's just bricks and mortar ..."

"All the same" Ric for the final time in this moment took hold of Serena's hand, "Serena, I..."

He did not need to say anything else, she knew how he felt about her, and she felt the same, Serena looked back at him, and raised a small smile, "... You too"


	3. Battlefield

**Thanks for reading, and for the reviews.**

**A/N 1 - This chapter was originally a lot longer, I split it in to two and the second part will follow shortly.**

* * *

Battlefield 

Two and a half weeks had passed since Serena received the confirmation that she was pregnant, that revelation left her with a reopened memory that clawed away at her heart like a rotting cadaver, a strong stench, that she could not run from.

However, she did start running from Ric, the man she loved, the man she adored. She could not find herself around him; she could not talk to him about the pregnancy. An emotional minefield battled between her heart and her head, yet she singlehandedly decided what she was going to do.

However, loving Ric, made things complicated, she had to keep him at arm's length. She completely shut him out, it was rather easy, they did not live together, and she could ignore his calls, texts, and relentless trips to her front door.

At work, running away was not so easy, but even Ric respected her privacy and dare not to bring up the subject at work. However, today Ric found himself at the end of his tether, for once, he was not doing the running, and he promised he would support Serena in whatever she decided, but he could not do that if she did not talk to him.

Arriving in to work, Ric knew he was to spend the day on Keller, unfortunately he wasn't expecting upon his arrival to the Wyvern reception to see Serena stood in Pulses wearing a pair of blue scrubs. That could only mean she was working on AAU, surprise, surprise, she was avoiding him again.

Luckily, for Ric, whilst Serena munched on a Chocolate Muffin, she realised she needed to take a trip to Keller, she needed her spare mobile charger which she always left in her drawer. Ric took his chances and followed her into the empty lift.

For a moment, Serena glared at him, "Don't you dare, Ric..."

"Serena, we need to talk"

"No we don't"

"You're hard work" Ric scoffed.

"We can't talk about this here ..."

"Then when _are_ we going to talk about it"

The lift doors opened as they reached the third floor, Serena shrugged and headed straight out, this was the last thing on her mind, and she wanted to ignore it, just for today. As she walked towards the office, Ric followed her, his face like thunder. Sometimes he did not understand the way Serena's mind worked, he could go from loving her to wanting to throw bricks at her. Yet, his heart always softened to remain loving her and he was not going to give up.

As Serena fumbled in her desk drawers, Ric pulled the latch and closed the door. She could sense him walk towards her, and she had no real means to back away, she wanted to run, wanted to pretend that is was fine, yet she still wanted Ric to hold her tight.

He placed his hands on Serena's small developing bump; he only noticed because he knew her body, so well "You're beautiful... Radiant"

"Ric..." Serena wanted so much to accept the compliment, but as always, Serena tried to push him away "Get your hands off me"

Ric frowned as he did as she asked, "_Serena_"

"I have work to do, make this quick"

Ric sensed something off about Serena's behaviour; this was not Serena just avoiding things. This was Serena revealing something darker. "Did you even go to your scan?" Ric asked, after Michael Reid informed them that Serena would need regular scans due to her history and because of her age.

"No"

"_Why_?"

"No need"

"Why?" Ric asked again,

"Oh, full of questions aren't we... I'm not keeping them" Serena replied bluntly, "I know I said I couldn't opt for an abortion, but it's for the best"

"... Serena, when did you decide this, when were you going to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now"

"Only because you had no choice," Ric snapped, he did not want to get angry, but he hurt and he felt it "You just shut off, you open up to me, we share something, so delicate, and then you push away. We are in a relationship, Serena... Or is that also off the cards"

"Shut up, just _shut up_" Serena snarled

Ric backed away, as he met Serena's gaze, he could see the tears about to fall from her eyes. He could not stay angry, Serena's vulnerability brought out his need to protect her.

"We can't have these babies. I can't have them, I'm scared, and I'm scared something will go wrong with them"

"You're reaching the second trimester..." Ric stated, after all Serena was now eleven weeks and five days pregnant.

"You know what I mean. I cannot bring myself to tell Ellie... Or anyone. I _feel_ miserable... This pregnancy isn't making me happy, and it should... I do not feel the connection... Ric it isn't there... I don't deserve this chance to become a mother... I'm booking the appointment later today"

"_'Re_, don't talk like that, you deserve _so_ much.."

"I can't have it all" Serena approached Ric, allowing their hands to brush together softly, "I get the top job next week; I have the perfect boyfriend... Something's gotta give, why give up the two things I really want, for something that I'm still not sure on, something I could lose"

Ric nodded, "I said I would stick by you, with whatever you decide. So if this is what you want..."

"It is. You know I'm right" Serena winced

"Are you okay"

"I'm fine" Serena lied, truth was she had experienced some cramping for some time now, alongside some light bleeding. It is the true reason as to why she decided to opt for an abortion, she had the feeling that something was going to go wrong and she did not want to go through that pain again.

As his hands locked with hers, she gave him a smile; this was her letting him back in, but only ever so slightly. As she leaned into place a kiss on his lips, but before she could the sound of her pager bleeped.

"I have to go" Serena replied, acknowledging the emergency that had just appeared in AAU. She left without saying another word, leaving her mobile charger on her desk.

Ric sighed as he watched her walk away, he still could not help but worry, and it came natural to him. His failings as a father led him, to protect the woman who walked in to his life. Although, Serena was perfectly capable of looking after herself, he just wanted to give her the love she never received.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Emergencies aside, late afternoon came and Serena finally found herself with a moment to take a step back, this cramping sensation appeared to get worse, and she had experienced bleeding once again, but she ignorantly put it to her being on her feet, rushing around. When in her heart, she knew what was happening, she could not understand why, just because she was over forty-five, it did not make it a possibility, but she always felt miscarrying would be the ultimate outcome. Regardless of circumstances, she did not want to acknowledge it, not now.

Pulling out her mobile from her scrubs pocket, she saw she only had six percent remaining of its battery life. Only then, she remembered that she had left her charger up on Keller.

Deciding to take a walk, Serena took the stairs, minding her own business, not really taking in her surroundings. It was not until she reached near to the third floor, she saw a man leaning on the railings by the glass windows. This scruffy man, injecting himself with drugs, he also had what appeared to look like Staff Nurse Clara Maitland's keys for the drugs cupboard in his possession.

For a second or two she stood watching him, before taking a few steps closer. "What _are_ you doing?"

"Piss off" the man spat, releasing the tie from his mouth and throwing his needle to the floor.

"You can't do that here, I have every right to call security and the police" Serena replied, exerting her authority in a calm and collective manner, as she took her mobile phone and unlocked the screen.

In a blind panic, then man grabbed the phone from Serena and threw it to the wall, the screen shattered instantly. Nevertheless, he was not done; destroying Serena's phone just was not enough. Grabbing her, he pushed her in to the banisters, crushing her stomach. A shooting pain dazzled Serena's body as she felt him place a knife to her neck.

"No talking" he whispered into her ear, pressing the knife down, causing it to cut her skin, Blood started to pour, as the knife narrowly missed her arteries.

With no one around, not a single person anywhere on the stairwell bar them, Serena had to fight this out. Heavily breathing, through fear, pain and blood loss, she spoke "You won't get away with this"

A druggie by nature, who had stolen whatever he, could get his hands on from the drugs cupboard to sell on, to use for his own gain. He had been so discreet in lifting the keys, he did not have to try too hard as Clara found herself trapped in a deep conversation with Arthur Digby. Furthermore, whilst his girlfriend was in having a hernia operation he seized the opportunity. He just did not expect anyone to catch him like this and in desperation; he pulled Serena back and threw her to the floor.

He wasn't going to let her see this one through, as Serena lay there, she felt this gush feeling flood around her pelvic area, her blue scrubs turned dark. She felt the cramping sensation numb, as he seemed to kick her stomach repeatedly, not acknowledging what he was doing until it was all a little too late.

A pool of blood had started to form around Serena's neck, so much so he almost slipped on it, it was in that moment, he realised what he had done. In fear, in shock, the adrenaline rush he received from his drug kick, melting to paranoia and he darted down the stairs, leaving all evidence for others to find.

In her weakened and woozy state, Serena attempted to reach out to her mobile, but she just could not. She needed help and no one was there, she could not work out why or how this man had gotten into the hospital. She could not understand why no one was around.

She kept trying to move, but she could not, tears fell down her face, as she attempted to apply pressure to her neck wound. Fearing her own life, her unborn babies lived; she desperately wanted someone to rescue her.

Struggling to fight, feeling utter weakness, Serena closed her eyes. Just praying that someone would find her, surely, she would not find herself dying here, surely, someone would turn up, this was a hospital after-all.

Luckily, her prayers became answered, an on edge Arthur Digby scattered out onto the stairwell, he suddenly became over whelmed with guilt, he was sure he had seen Clara's keys get taken, but he had found himself in so much awe of her, he couldn't break the conversation to inform her.

He spotted the keys on the floor, and breathed a sigh of relief, yet it was only when he looked around did he see Serena, and panic overwhelmed in him again.

"Oh, no... No, no.. no... You, Erm ..." Arthur flapped, as he crouched by Serena's side "Are... Are you _alive_?"

"Ric... Get Ric..."

"Yes... Mr. Griffin, Good idea, stay there" Arthur tended to lose his cool when things got tough; in panic mode, he often forgot how to be a doctor. He hurried back up on to the ward, and spotted Ric, who had just come out of Theatre.

"Ooo, erm. Mr. Griffin"

"Dr Digby" Ric sighed, feeling marginally irritated already by Arthur's flappy attitude.

"It's errr... Sere... I mean Ms. Campbell, she... _She_ ..." Arthur could not find the words instead; he pointed towards the direction of the stairs.

Ric finally recognised the panic in Arthur's eyes, his own heart sinking, Ric raced to the stairwell and straight to Serena's side. All he could see was the blood pooling around her head, he could not take in any of the other surroundings, and just Serena's pale looking face and the blood.

"Serena... It is Ric... I'm here"

Serena's eyes flickered open, "The babies... _Ric_..."

Ric looked down her body and looked at her blue scrub trousers, which had now appeared seeped in a dark purple colour. It was only then he looked around his surroundings.

A used needle on the floor, a tie, a set of keys, a penknife, Serena's smashed phone, Serena's blood, Serena. It came almost as if he zoned out, as he looked back to Serena, in sheer terror. The woman he loved lay before him, and she could almost be dying, and knowing that she was the most important thing in his life right now, he feared he would lose her.

"It will be okay, I promise" Ric spoke as he scooped her up into his arms, and carried her up the stairs and on to ward.

"Get a trolley, we need to get Serena in to Theatre" Ric called out as he held an ever weakening Serena in his arms.

Sacha Levy, Zosia March, Dominic Copeland, and a few nurses rushed to Ric, with a trolley in tow, assisting to her medical needs straight away.

"Ric, you need to take a step back" Sacha spoke decisively and clearly.

"No, I will not let you do this... I have to..."

"Ric" Sacha bumbled "You really need to step back"

"I can't ... You need to call Mr. Thompson"

"Why?" Dominic shrugged,

"_Really_, Dominic" Zosia rolled her eyes, she had noticed the changes to Serena's behaviour as of late and did suspect,

"We're... She's pregnant" Ric spoke up, still adamant that he could treat Serena. "Please, you have to let me..."

Zosia, being her usual self took some imitative and pulled Ric away, "Mr. Griffin, you love Serena"

"_Yes_" Ric answered, that was the truth without a shadow of a doubt.

"Then you need to step back, what would Serena tell you to do, in the situation?"

"Step back"

"And that is what you need to do"

Ric would not usually take advice from a F1, but he knew she was right, and he just bowed his head and let the Keller team wheel Serena off to Theatre, he felt so powerless, so powerless and he wanted to help Serena so much, and he was not able to. His heart constantly raced, found himself wondering aimlessly to the Consultant's Office, Serena's office, where hours earlier they had made up, they had found some happiness in deciding not to go ahead with the pregnancy. Yet, now it all seemed so wrong, he could hear Serena's voice ringing in his ears, that was her call out, her fear for her unborn babies' lives and he was not able to do anything about it.

* * *

**A/N 2 - A bit heavy right? I hope you can understand why I cut this short.**

**The research I had been conducting also put me in a rather emotional place, There was also an article in the Telegraph the other day with something similar. It is rather sad really. I should also point out that I had originally decided to draw this out and have this happen to Serena in late Pregnancy - But I changed my mind.**

**Could there still be some hope?**


	4. Darkness

**Thanks for the reviews and to those who read - obviously this is a slightly shorter chapter - which carries straight on from the last. I hope you understand as to why I did not include it in the previous one. Again, I found looking into the research for this rather sad - Hope it is okay**

* * *

Darkness 

Still under sedation, Serena lay in a private bay on Keller Ward, she had lost a lot of blood from her neck wound, luckily, she had no broken bones, but there laid some troubling news ahead, with regards to Serena's pregnancy.

Ric stood outside the door, just looking in at the woman he loved; she looked so fragile and delicate, almost like a paper doll, so fragile that tearing it into two would not take much doing. He hated having to stand back, not being able to treat her; what's more, he hated not knowing the full prognosis of Serena's condition.

Mr. Thompson wandered up and stood beside Ric, he had been busy updating Serena's notes and discovered her hidden past. He knew this would be a tricky conversation, and he did not want to talk to Ric on a professional basis, he wanted to make this personal.

"Ric"

"Derwood" Ric replied, not taking his eyes off Serena

"We need to talk, about Serena... And the pregnancy"

"Are they _alive_?" These were the first words that came to Ric's mind.

"Ric, I'm _so_ sorry. I have been thorough, but, with regret I have to inform, Serena has miscarried"

Ric felt a few tears prick his eyes, "She'll be devastated... This wasn't because of the attack"

"No, at eleven weeks, those babies would have had enough protection to survive such incident. Serena's abdomen suffered light trauma; I had hoped I would only be looking at a subchorionic hematoma" Derwood replied, "I hate to ask, but had Serena been experiencing any changes?"

"We... We have not been on the best of speaking terms as of late, she never said... She..." Ric trailed off he could not get his thoughts together.

"Okay, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Obviously, I have overlooked Serena's notes... Mr. Reid sent them over. Concerning the now miscarried pregnancy, the foetuses where a set of dichorionic diamniotic twins and two heartbeats detected when the scan took place. I would usually expect to see a remaining sac in this instance, the loss of one twin. Serena passed a _lot_ of Tissue and Clots, the ultrasound shows that some Tissue remains in the uterus. However, no foetus, it is not that uncommon for a woman to miscarry both foetuses but chances are slim. This however is discounting your usual circumstances. We have performed surgery to remove the remaining tissue..."

Ric still could not look away from Serena as he received this information, usually Derwood would talk with the 'mother', but in such circumstances, he knew Ric could handle this information, and could grasp telling Serena. "_Right_"

"For Serena to fall pregnant and it not to result in an ectopic, it's pretty remarkable, Serena's history is something remarkable, only seen in similar case in my career, read a few others.."

"She isn't about to become a test subject" Ric muttered, he had heard something similar from Michael Reid, soon after Serena fled from the ultrasound, but he didn't take in the information, his concern at that point was Serena.

"Of course not" Derwood realised he may have used a clumsy expression, he occasionally put his foot in it, "I give you both my condolences, I will get one of my aftercare team to drop by later and I will also check in on Serena too"

No sooner had Derwood walked off; Guy Self made an almost instant appearance.

"Ah, Ric"

Ric huffed, he had hoped to have a few moments alone with Serena, and he wanted to hold her, whisper in her ear that it would all be okay, that nothing mattered but her. "Guy..."

"I heard what happened, I have sorted out the adequate cover, for both Keller and AAU, I understand that this will be a time that you both need to spend together, I wouldn't expect my _best_ GS Consultant to return to duties whilst his partner, suffered such a tragic incident"

"Thank you" Ric replied, feeling grateful of Guy's kindness.

"We caught the bastard who did this too, and believe me; he shall be put through the ringer"

"If I get my hands on that man..."

"Ric, I wouldn't go making threats, it is messy. You were treating _his_ girlfriend; this will get in to a dog-eat-dog fight"

"Why? _How_" Ric questioned,

"Its complex, I want you to do nothing, stay out of any investigative process and focus on Serena and only Serena, she needs your support"

"Yes, I realise that"

"Just..." Guy paused, "You, both have my condolences"

Ric nodded as Guy gave him a look of acknowledgment, before Guy headed off, Ric bowed his head, and headed into the side room, he pulled up the chair and sat beside Serena, taking her hand, and monitoring her pulse. Feeling the beat from her wrist, that pulse seemed like the only part of Serena that appeared the same.

Her face looked so pale, she had a bruise on her temple, the Serena Campbell, he knew she loved was not there, not fully. However, he loved her, he loved her so much, and he did not know how she was going to see this through.

As she flickered open her eyes, their eyes met, but they did not say a word, they just sat in the moment. They could not say anything, neither had the words, Serena had a very clear picture of what had happened to her, but she did not want to remember, she did not want to talk about it, not yet.

Serena found some comfort in Ric, just being there, he was already doing a damn site more than Edward ever did, but then they had different circumstances, Edward and Ric were different people. Edward had never really 'grown-up', whereas Ric, granted he still made the odd mistake, knew how to act a little more mature and deal with situations head on – most of the time.

After half an hour of silence, where they both just looked at each other, their hands interlocked, nothing but the sounds of their breaths and the monitors around Serena echoing in the room, Serena broke the silence,

"Are they?"

Ric shook his head, "No... 'Re, I'm _sorry_"

"Why _is_ this happening to me?" Serena asked, genuinely, she did not understand why she had so much bad luck.

"I don't know" Ric whispered softly "I don't know..."

Serena fell silent again, as Ric, looked to her, his heartbreaking. He did not know what to do, what to say, Serena just looked so vulnerable. However, there were things on his mind, something that Derwood had mentioned, he didn't want to ask, and Christ, he knew it wasn't the thing she needed to hear,

"Serena did you..."

Knowing what he was asking, Serena shook her head, "Ric, I thought.. I ..."

"How long...?"

"A week, I _think_..."

"Is this why you shut me out?" Ric asked, "Is this what the rows were about, the pushing away?"

"I... I..., _Ric_... don't, don't make me do this..."

"I told you, I would always... Will _always_ be here for you, no matter what"

"This is all wrong, all _so_ wrong," Serena mumbled "Why don't you hate me, blame me?"

"Because, this is not your fault, you may have pissed me off 'Re, but I love you, we knew what we were up against. When I saw you lying there, when you were in Theatre, those babies were not my main concern, you were. You Serena Campbell, I felt worried, I felt that I was going to lose you" Ric paused "The babies, they came second...""

"Are you sad? Are you sad that they are gone?"

"Yes, a little..." Ric replied honestly. "They were part of us"

"It wasn't supposed to be was it? I knew it from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it _would_ go wrong... I wish I never told you Ric... I wish I ended it and not told you, I don't want you to hurt"

"You think, I would want you to this alone, go through the emotional turmoil of an abortion alone?"

"It would be better than this," Serena snapped, "I'm not supposed to be a mother, Ric, I'm really not, and this is proof"

"You _have_ Eleanor"

"Hardly, I've been an awful mother to her; she doesn't deserve a mother like me"

"At least you have been a constant in her life, my relationship with my children... I'm not winning any father of the year awards"

"Hmmm" Serena sighed,

"I'm still a _rubbish_ mother, always have been, _always_ will be, and don't tell me different, you have no idea what I put her through"

"I can hazard a guess"

Serena shook her head; this was a conversation that they were never to have Serena could never reveal the true extent of her failings as a parent. "This is karma, because I said I didn't want them"

"Don't think like that ..."

"Fact is I did want _them_... Ric, I wanted our babies, when I knew they were leaving me, I wanted them" The sound of Serena's voice expressed deep sadness, yet tears never left her eyes. "I wanted us to have our own family, you and I, together, nothing more, nothing less"

"We'll get through this, you and I... Whatever it takes, we'll pull through" Ric assured her, rubbing her hand softly.

"I want _our_ babies," Serena snapped snatching her hand away from Ric. She didn't intend to react like this, she just had trouble accepting it, for what it was, she had been here before, and she had no idea on how to deal with it, she'd never truly dealt with any of her grief, grief for her stillborn child, grief over her first miscarriage, and now this one. Turning her face away, Serena would not allow herself to look at Ric any longer; she could not deal with him, not now.

He may have been a true support network for her, someone who vowed not to leave her side, but she was hurting, and she knew he hurt too. She felt terrible for putting him in this position and it was the one thing she knew Ric did not deserve, knowing his troubled relationships with his children, she felt awful for giving him some hope, a chance to maybe do the whole 'parent-thing' right. Pushing him away seemed like such a viable option, the right option, why should he feel duty bound to stick by her, underneath the strong uphold, she was a car crash, held together by endless work commitments and Red Wine.

Ric exhaled heavily, Serena was either going to push him out, or she was going to let him support her. Standing up, he walked out of the room, looking back at her from the doorway. This was going to make or break their relationship, either, way he knew he did not want to lose Serena, their five and a half month relationship was worth saving, but he understood that things in her past were not as clear-cut as she made them out as.

He just did not know how he was going to pull Serena through this, or how he was going to get her to open up and confront what she needed to face. It hurt him to think that Serena did not trust him to see it through with her, that if they grieved together, that it would be easier for them, it would help her deal with the past too. He could give her all the time in the word, but time is one thing, shutting off emotions and burying them to move on is another.


	5. Trust

**Thanks to all those who have taken the time to read and also left a review.**

**A/N 1 - This is more of a filler chapter, just to move it forward a little, without leaving a gap - I haven't gone into too much detail either as that comes in the next chapter.**

* * *

Trust

A week and a half after Serena's tragic accident, and although she was now well, recovered, but ordered to take things easy, yet, Serena, never one to take advice, did what she did best, and headed off to work.

Ric, completely unaware of this move, they spoke of the accident, and the trauma of what had happened to Serena, what had happened to their babies, but only briefly. Serena would not let herself truly open up, her sadness faded into her defences, she put up her guarded walls, and could not even dare let the man she had fallen in love with in, and she could not share her pain with him.

However, Ric had accepted that Serena needed her space, he held her tightly at night, as she cried herself to sleep, and completely unaware that Ric knew. Although, Ric hurt, and grieved, his pain did not run as deep as he knew Serena's did, and had suffered, countless pain and never resolved her issues.

It was mid afternoon, Serena arrived into work, and although no one was expecting to show up for work, for a long time. She headed up to her office, ignoring everyone who offered her words of support, returning the condolences with a death glare.

She did not like how, the colleagues who had helped to save her life, saw her as a person, she was as she put it, 'technically' their boss, a woman who prided herself in her work. She was not some ninny, who needed people to tread carefully around her.

As she entered her office, she found herself surprised to see Guy Self, sat at her desk, she could not understand why, there was a perfectly good, unused desk the other side of the office.

"What _are_ you doing?" She asks catching him off guard; he was oblivious to her entering the office.

"Dr. March has asked me to look..." Guy trailed off, as he realised who he was speaking to and repeated her question. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here"

"You are on leave"

"I'm perfectly capable of returning to work, fit as a fiddle"

"You went to pieces when your ex-husband caused destruction last year, you begged for time off, and now you expect me to believe you are ready to work after, a _traumatic_ ordeal"

"I'm _fine_, I'm dealing with it" Serena tried to sound convincing, but try as she might, and as much as she wanted to believe it herself, she just was not really dealing with it.

"Ric, has expressed a lot of concern"

"Has he now. Nice to know he couldn't talk to me about it"

"He says he tried, Serena, I can't sanction you fit to work"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me" Serena sniped

"No"

"I am fine" Serena grit her teeth, angered inside that Ric had spoken about her to Guy, what right did he have up do that, and what right did Guy have to suggest she was unfit to work.

In truth, Guy had many rights, he had a large amount of responsibility to his staff, and Serena might only be his deputy, but right now, she was a liability. "I have recommended you for six weeks of psychotherapy with Professor Charles Danson, you start next Friday, failure to attend, failure to see the six weeks through, you will not return to work at all"

"You can't do that" Serena tried to stand strong.

"I can and I _will_" Guy affirmed, "This is the only time I am allowing you on Hospital premises is to attend these sessions or if you or a member of your family, are in need of medical attention. Do I make myself clear?"

Serena fought back her tears. "Fine"

Guy scribbled a few details onto a piece of paper, and handed it to Serena "This is when and where you need to meet, I will receive weekly updates, everything you say to Professor Danson, will remain confidential, all I ask of him, is to know you are attending and for his approval of your state of mind to work"

Unable to muster energy to argue the matter further, Serena shrugged, her fighting spirit had left, and she felt depleted. She ever so desperately needed to work; she needed to do something with herself.

She could not let herself depend on Ric, even if she tried; keeping him at arm's length seemed the safer option. Her mind told her it was the safer option, her heart, however, cried out for Ric's affections, all she wanted was for him to hold her in his arms, never let her go and make things better. Her heart wanted unrealistic things, which is why she listened to her mind, at least this way she had control.

Heading, straight down to AAU, Serena stood in the middle of the ward, her eyes scanning the floor, until her eyes met with Ric, as he emerged from behind a curtained bay.

His face expressed utter concern, he wasn't expecting her to turn up, when he had left her bed this morning, she lay sound asleep, peaceful, he had not seen her that calm in weeks. Approaching her, attentively, he guided her towards the nurses' station.

"We _need_ to talk" Serena spoke firmly

Ric raised his eyebrow, this was the first time in a long while that she had spoken these words, he hoped she would finally express her pain; he didn't care for his work, not now, not when his lover, his partner was reaching out for him. "My office..."

"Yep" Serena headed off as Ric followed behind; something in the time of Serena's voice told him that, she was not, best pleased.

"Are you okay?" Ric asked as soon as he closed the office door.

"I _feel_ humiliated..."

"Why?" Ric screwed his face as he attempted to reach out for Serena's hands, only for her to brush him off. "What has happened?"

"Had a nice little chat with Guy? Seems like you couldn't wait to tell him how _'unstable'_ I am"

"I never said such a thing, I merely expressed my concerns, _forgive_ me, for caring, Serena"

"You could have raised it with me first" Serena glared

"You're not letting me in... I'm worried about you"

"You really do not need to feel worried, I'm _fine_"

"If you are fine, then why are you here?"

"To work, it's what people do when they feel okay"

"Not after, what you went through, you can't sugar-coat this one Serena... What we've just been through, it's a _big_ deal"

"You're working, just because I'm a woman, I have to play the fragile one, needing sympathy" Serena snapped.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it, you could have died _'Re_, you turn up here like nothing has happened, when I come to your house, you act like you are fine... At night, I hold you in my arms, and I know you're crying...there is _nothing_ I can do to make this right... "

"_Ric_..."

"I spoke to Guy as a precautionary; I did not want to see you thrown in the deep end..."

"He wants me to see a therapist"

"It's a good idea"

"Oh, you did not just agree with that. I do not need this..."

"You won't know until you try, it might help"

"What I need, Ric, is for things to get back to normal"

Ric finally managed to put his hands in hers without her backing away. "Nothing will go back to normal. Look, if you don't do the therapy for yourself, do it for me..."

"You think I'm not coping?"

"I think you may benefit from it... You know I lost a child, Serena, but what you have gone through, as a mother, I will not feel that pain. I can share the grief, of the recent loss, but that pain, from your past life... I know it is there... You might find it easier, talking to someone who _isn't_ me"

"Ric, I can't do it"

"You _can_... I know you can" Ric replied as he pulled Serena close into his arms and held her tight, he knew deep down, her turning up to work, that was her subconsciously telling him, that she needed him, she needed to find herself where he was.

It did not matter that it was in this hospital that she found herself viciously attacked, it did not matter that she lost her babies here. What mattered was that this is where Ric was, and as much as she pushed him away, and would not talk to him, she needed him.

Although, that feeling of need made feel Serena feel weak, and she was never a truly weak person. Not really, she had her moments, but this was one of those times, she really did not want to feel it.

"I just _want_ to work..." She whispered

"I know"

"If I potter around the house anymore, I will go mad, work is the only way I know, how to deal with... "

Ric pulled away, "We're going to change that, it's gonna hurt, Serena... You have to trust me, when I say you _will_ benefit from this"

"I trust you, Ric..."

Ric nodded, she sounded convincing enough, but ultimately, in due course, only time will tell, whether sending Serena into therapy acted as her best shot at finding some normality, if it would relieve her from her past pain. However, he held so much believe in Serena, deep down, he knew she would conquer this, it just might take time, and a bit of doing. Serena was stubborn as hell, when she wanted to be, a lot of the time, things were her way or no way at all, yet, Ric held onto his belief.

Serena placed a kiss upon Ric's cheek, "I'll cook tonight... That's if you want... although, you probably want to go home for once..."

"Dinner, it will be lovely, if you can manage it"

"Let me do something _'normal'_, please"

"Okay" Ric nodded, as he peered out through the windows to his office "I should probably, reign in the mischief, can't have the deputy thinking I'm slacking, I love her, but she'll have me punished, sent to the ED to work on the front line... All because I stopped working..."

Serena raised a small smile, the first time she had done so in a while, she knew Ric was having a bit of a joke with her, to lighten her spirits, and it worked. Rubbing his hand softly, Serena left the ward, she was not sure how things were to pan out for her, but she knew, with Ric sticking by, maybe she could face the world and so much more.


	6. Unspoken

**Thanks, again to all those who have read and left a review.**

**A/N - What is going to happen from here on, each chapter will centre, around a therapy session, we will get more of the back story to Serena's trauma's. There will also be some focus outside the therapy session. Having been in therapy myself for what over two years now, I know it is a real slog, I think Serena is doing better than I am!**

**Hope it is okay**

* * *

Unspoken

A week had been and gone, Serena's relationship with Ric still had its vicissitudes. Despite, him knowing her sadness, she could not let herself feel it with him, to her, it didn't seem fair, she blamed herself, she always blamed herself for such tragedies, regarding her children.

She did not want to hear, Ric tell her that it was not her fault; it seemed ludicrous for him to think otherwise. Serena, knew how, Ric could get, he has this protective manner, he did not like seeing Serena, seeing herself in a negative light, and often challenged her thoughts.

Keeping, the distance between, seemed the sensible thing to do, he stayed with her overnight as she asked, he would leave if she wanted to spend to herself, and she knew she was giving him a real mix of messages. Yet, the love between them still shone strong. She needed Ric, but she did not want to admit weakness, and Ric needed her, Serena had become a priority in his life.

Soon, Friday, it was here, and Serena almost had to, mentally drag herself to her therapy session. Earlier, she had almost felt like, heading into town and shopping instead, her mind was kicking and screaming for her to run, her heart, telling her to do the right thing and see it through.

However, as soon as she arrived, she wished she had not, Serena sat in the chair, pressing a cushion over her stomach with her arms as she clasped on to her now cold mug of coffee. She just stared out into the distance, just avoiding the process at all costs.

She focused on the furnishing in the room, it was such a dated room, the office/therapy space combination did not do well to set a relaxing atmosphere, and it just seemed so formal. Serena thought about how she had seen boardrooms with more of a relaxed atmosphere, she found the picture or printed painting, she couldn't quite tell which is worse, but it depicted pebbles, she found it tedious and unhelpful.

The man before her, she had heard of him, knew his reputation; he was one of the best, to get on his books at Holby City Hospital, stood as a privilege. He only worked at Holby occasionally, often spending his time in Central London, yet loyalties always lay with Holby, his hometown, his training ground.

Aside from the basic formalities, Serena had sat in silence for thirty-five minutes; she really did not want to confront this trauma, even with the knowledge of her career being on the line she really could not do it.

Charles had asked her how self felt, regarding the recent loss of her babies, and she just shrugged in response, she had clouded of her attack. Although, still bruised, a healing wound to her neck, and other injuries, the miscarriage did not seem so bad, just empty, but she did not know how to put that in words, the empty feeling was a numb feeling, a feeling she had felt for years.

"If the here and now is difficult to talk about, why don't we talk about the past?"

Serena took a sip of the cold coffee and squirmed, yet, she could not let the cup go, she needed as a security blanket, she did not want to give anything away, fiddling with her necklace or hands would do, just that.

"... Why don't we talk about the birth of your children?"

"_Child_, I only have the one, my daughter," Serena replied, unable to, fully acknowledge her dead son.

"Your daughter, _has_ a twin"

"Has, that present tense, completely incorrect statement there, _had_ would stand as a better choice of word" Serena corrected Charles, a small glimmer of her willingness to open up.

"Alive or dead, your daughter _still_ has a twin"

Serena threw Charles a glare; she hated knowing he held details of her life. "She doesn't even know he existed"

"Any reason for doing, so?"

"He died, what was the point" Serena spoke in a rather sarcastic tone. "Don't tell me, that _'twin'_ bond formed in the womb, it's all bullshit, and she's never questioned having a sibling"

"Maybe, she is afraid, just like you. You never sought help after the death; the birth must have been traumatic"

".. I had my husband, I... I, we didn't _need_ anyone, Eleanor was born healthy, and we had our careers..."

"Did you both grieve the death of your son?

Serena went awfully silent, of course, they grieved him, and the death hit her more than it did Edward, he got his precious daughter, and the son she always craved, and he never had a life outside her womb. Whilst Edward doted on his daughter and grieved by other means, Serena threw herself into work,

Holding back on the details, the depth of the grief she felt, the grief she buried, Serena sighed heavily. "We had a little funeral, just us and our close family, we cremated him, putting him in the ground, it didn't seem right. We kept him in _our_ home..."

"And your daughter, Eleanor, has never questioned his ashes?"

"He isn't there anymore"

"Where _is_ he?" Charles pressed

"Erm, I..." Serena struggled, she knew where he was, and she just did not like the memory that came with the knowledge, finally placing the cold mug of coffee down, she shut herself off, instantly fiddling with her necklace, she could not help it, she felt anxious and unsettled over her memories, over the hidden pain that started to resurface.

She had poured her heart out to Ric over her son's death, upon finding, she was pregnant with twins, but since that moment, they had never spoken about it again. Ric knew it was risky ground, and that she would only talk, if, and when she felt in necessary, he understood the emotional minefield that had become of Serena Campbell. It was a minefield, he now knew not to challenge,

"If you can't tell me where he is, why don't you tell me his name?"

"Thomas..." Serena replied softly,

"Thomas" Charles nodded, "How, often do you think about him?"

"I _don't_... I try not to... It is not that I do not want to... I just blame myself, _he_... he" There it happened, Serena opened the gates to a flood of tears and emotions, she suddenly found herself back in the day, Eleanor being born, the difficulties when delivering Thomas and his lifeless body. Edward, pandering around his daughter as she held, little Thomas in her arms, after the medics had realised there was nothing they could do for him.

All the swearing, the pain, the tender support, Edward had given her, washed away as he joyfully, selfishly doted upon his daughter, as she rocked their son, in her arms, tears in her eyes. From the lack of support from her husband, Serena closed off, pushed him away, and when he was ready to grieve, she did not want to know.

Ultimately, this had started the beginning, of the end of their marriage, although they remained together for another six years, it was a turbulent time. Not talking cost them dearly, maybe if Edward had taken her in his arms and told her that it was okay, that he didn't blame her for their son's death, maybe they would have been okay. If they had just spoken about their grief, like a 'normal' couple, maybe they could have saved their relationship, without pushing each other away.

"I... I effectively killed him... _my_ body, killed _my_ baby." Serena sobbed clutching the cushion as if it was her child.

Charles watched Serena crumble, the façade she often gave out, had given way, she was a lot weaker than she made out she was, her pain rooted deeper than she ever dared to express, even know in the moment she couldn't truly express what she felt. It was there, just dying to slip out from her mouth, but the words would not come.

As Serena continued to cry, Charles spoke, with great care. "You know, you must _not_ blame yourself, from this day forward, I need you to do just that. No, mother intentionally sets out to have a difficult birth, what happened to your baby, to _Thomas_, no one could have predicted that. However, I reiterate, it was not _your_ fault, and you need to let go of any thoughts you hold, regarding guilt and blame"

Serena too those words with a pinch of salt, she would blame herself regardless, as a mother she felt she should do the best to protect her children and bring them into the world without harm, and she failed in that. A heavy flood continued to pour from her eyes; Charles had only just scratched the surface and could tell that this could go either way for Serena Campbell. He sensed, she would either head to a complete breakdown, years of pain and emotion crashing her down, or, she would thrive, firstly by trying to block the process, but bit, by bit, opening up at small moments.

Taking a check to the time, Charles sighed heavily, he hated doing this to clients, especially when he had a strict window of time, and as soon as this session ended, he had five minutes before his next.

"Serena, we need to start wrapping things up, if you don't feel able to, right now, please let me know"

She looked up, feeling slightly panicked, she had to go and face the outside world, so soon, she felt like she had only been here five minutes, and instantly started to regret the time in which she sat in silence. Coughing, Serena croaked, "I'm _fine_"

"Are you okay to get yourself home?" Charles asks, as he sees Serena trying to pull herself back together again, wiping her tears away and breathing deeply.

"My partner, he's on clinic today, he's taking me home"

"Okay, that _is_ good" Charles nodded "Same time, same place, next week?"

"If we must" Serena sniffed as she took a final deep breath, and headed for the door, she, leaving without saying another word.

Once, leaving her therapy room, Serena saw Ric, sat on one of the waiting room chairs, instantly standing and kissing her cheek as she approaches him.

"How was it?" He asked, knowing she had cried, her eyes still looked red.

"Load of tosh" Serena lied, she was not about to admit the benefits, not yet. "And even if it did go well, I couldn't divulge into details, what's said in that room, stays in _that_ room"

Ric nodded, he respected that. "If you don't want to talk to him, you can talk to me"

"I know, there is just nothing to talk about" Serena rolled her eyes. "Look, Ric, we can do a late lunch, but _I_... I want to be on my own tonight"

"If that is, what you want"

"It _is_"

"Late lunch and home alone for you it is" Ric smiled as he wrapped his arm around his girlfriend, placing a kiss on her head.

The tough ride had only just begun, and Serena did not know where the road ahead would lead. Pulling away, Serena allowed her hand to interlock with Ric's hand. Walking hand in hand out of the hospital and to his car, if anyone gave her reassurance to see it through, it was Ric. Yet, she needed a break from him; she needed to let out her emotions without him around.

Inside, bubbling away, thoughts of her son, the son she desperately wanted to bring up, she had pushed down those feelings for so many years, nineteen years, even Edward never saw the true extent of her pain, yet now, that she had to face them head on, in order to pull through her recent trauma. Serena could feel all those walls collapsing, but still, as much as she wanted to share this pain with Ric, she couldn't and she knew, deep down, that therapy wasn't such a bad idea after all.

After all, she wanted to have her career back, she was actually supposed to take over as CEO in a week's time, and now that had become postponed, Guy still holding the fort until she got herself 'better'.


	7. Mistakes

**Well, hello, here we are again, another update. - Hope it is okay**

**A/N - I hope this isn't too heavy, it shouldn't, be, but what do I know, people find different things hard to read, on an emotional level.**

* * *

Mistakes

Another week had gone by, and a Serena found herself back in the therapy room, seemingly feeling more eager to get on with this session.

Over the past week, she had done an awful amount of thinking, she had thoughts and feelings that she needed to express, and nowhere to relieve them too. She felt unable to put these thoughts to Ric, as they related to a time before their relationship, and although, she had spoken to him, ever so briefly about it, she still could not go all the way.

A coffee in hand, Serena sat, with all these thoughts in her mind, she did not know how they were going to escape from her mouth, if she was just going to talk gibberish, all she knew was that she needed to release them.

"Serena, how have you been?" Charles asked, pleasantly starting their session together.

"Hmmm, it's been okay, feel mad as a box of frogs, not being able to work, work is my life. Been on my own this week too"

"By choice, _or_...?"

"No, oh, by choice, my partner isn't a _complete_ bastard. I just needed some time alone"

"Any, particular reason for this" Charles pressed

"No, I, I just wanted some time alone" Serena admitted, and that was the truth, she was not intentionally pushing Ric away, she had not purposely not told her daughter. She just needed the time alone, to try to make sense of a few things.

"Has it helped at all?"

"I'm not sure"

"Why are you not sure?"

"I don't know" Serena replied boldly.

"Do you want to talk about these unsure feelings?" Charles prompted

"_No_"

"Okay, well, why don't you tell me, where you want today's session to lead"

"I want to talk about Thomas, I... I have thought about him a lot recently," Serena stated, with determination.

"Good, good" Charles nodded "Go, ahead, tell me about Thomas"

"I started to wonder what he would look like, he had his dad's wide eyes, might have been a heartbreaker, eyes like that, they..." Serena shrugged sighing heavily. "I try to think about what career path he would have taken, could he have become a great surgeon, businessman, anaesthetist or done what Eleanor did, and go in a different direction to her parents... He could have been something, _someone_"

Serena started to fiddle with her hands, something she always did, when feeling nervous or uneasy, it acted like a comfort blanket.

"... I may have been more of a mother if he was around, I might have been at home more, read those bedtime stories, and been there at birthday parties, school concerts. I just, I failed, and I let my own daughter down, because of my grief. Sometimes, looking at Eleanor reminds me of what I lost; I _always_ wanted a son, _my_ son... Edward got his daughter, I got nothing"

"Did you envy Edward's relationship with Eleanor?"

"Yes" Serena replied honestly "I still do, he's everything you wouldn't want in a father, but, she adores him, more than she ever cares about me"

"I'm sure, that, is not true" Charles spoke softly "Last, week, you mentioned that your son, Thomas, you said he had gotten lost, that you do not hold anything of him, as a reminder"

"His ashes"

"Yes, what happened?"

"Losing Thomas, it destroyed my marriage, Edward and I, we grieved differently, he always drunk, I never thought anything of it, and I never thought he had a problem, but this one night... He went out late, he came home smashed out of his face, I could hear him, clattering around downstairs, I ignored him, because, I didn't want to see his face, I didn't want to row"

Serena paused, as tears started to fall, the pain of the day instantly returning to her, the memory clear in her mind, the aftermath, haunting her, a gaping pain, the old wound that never healed. Charles did not try to stop this emotion; he just sat there with her, letting her feel it, to him, it felt clear, she had never expressed this emotion to anyone before.

"I could have saved him. I could still have had my baby... his ashes I would _still_ have them. If I had gone downstairs, Thomas would still have a part of my life. In the morning, when I went downstairs, I found, the urn on the floor, the ashes, _everywhere_, in a pool of vomit, Edward, face down, and passed out, in our son's ashes... I could have killed him, he took the last part of him I had, he did not even say sorry. From there on, we always rowed, he always drunk, it seemed so constant, he had affair, after _affair_, and we kept it together, for Eleanor. He would never talk about Thomas, he wanted to at first... But I wasn't ready, I pushed him away, and when I needed him, it ... We'd grew apart, I loved him, I think he loved me, he says he still loves me, but we had changed, everything changed between us, even sex became a chore"

Laughing nervously over her last remark, Serena looked Charles in the eye, tears still present. As she spoke with sincerity, over the depth of her loss over the years "I didn't just lose Thomas, I lost Edward, _too_. I do not know why I stayed, I... I guess that I was not selfish enough, to pull my daughter away from her father; not until, he started letting her down. I'm not sure she understood, that she saw her father screwing, some tart on our kitchen table, she was six years old... Ellie, that is"

Taking a moment, Serena digested some of her thoughts, her memories, such as Edward donating Thomas' unused items to charity. How he refused to commemorate his birthday, alongside Eleanor's birthday. Ultimately, leading to Serena's denial of his existence, focusing on the line of thought, she wiped away her tears. "Crazy, thing is, I thought we had turned a corner, we _were_ happier, I'd had just made it as a Consultant, but, that... it was the final straw, one betrayal, _too_ many. He lied to me, he was going to keep on lying to me, and I was never going to go back to, that wife he once had..."

As the session progressed, Charles handed Serena, numerous of suggestions of giving her ways to deal with her thoughts and not moving away from Thomas's death, which played central to her marriage breakdown.

Charles made the point, that if Serena, strongly felt the need to acknowledge her son, and let him go. Through, gaining a grasp on his existence, and her grief for him, that, maybe she should write her son a letter, of all the things, she wanted for him, and her thoughts towards him as her lost child. If they were going to move on to the next step, she really needed to deal with this grief first, and he knew they needed at least another season to tie things up.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Later that evening Ric, arrived to Serena's house, just as she requested, she did not tell him why she wanted him there, she just told him to turn up at seven. They had not seen each other since her last therapy session, she needed some time alone, and she needed to sort a few things out in her own head.

However, tonight, she was ready to spend some quality time with her lover, she was not physically ready, but emotionally, and she felt in a clearer mind, safer.

"I'm glad you came" Serena half smiled as she opened the door

"I'm glad you asked" Ric replied with a smile, in his eyes, Serena appeared to look a little brighter, than she had been. "I've missed you, _Serena_"

"You soft old git" Serena smirked, as she closed the door, before naturally falling into an embrace in Ric's arms "I've missed you, _too_"

They stayed in a loving hold for a few moments, comforted by each other's touch, before Serena pulled away, "I am grateful we do not cohabit, not yet, anyway. I needed the space"

"I know" Ric nodded, "Something, smells good..."

"I cooked us dinner, I hope, that's okay... I just wanted to do something; I appreciate your support, your love..."

Ric smiled, "Now, look who has gone soft"

"You, go on through to the living room, I'll fix us a drink" Serena rubbed his arm gently and headed off to the kitchen, leaving Ric to his own devices.

As Ric sat himself in the living, waiting for Serena to come through with the drinks, he noticed a notebook on the table, with a blue ribbon as a tie; he looked at it curiously, and picked it up. He was not intending to pry, it had just caught his eye, as he held it in his hands, and Serena walked through, her face, depicting hurt as soon as she saw him holding her notepad,

"What are you doing? Put that down"

"Sorry, _'Re_, I just..."

"Don't, it's private"

"I wasn't going to read it"

"Good" Serena glared for a moment, before placing their wine glasses on the table and tugging the notebook away from him. In a decisive moment, Serena opened up to Ric, concerning the notepad. "It's just thoughts, feelings, about, well everything that has happened. Charles, he said it might help, writing down things, that I do not need to share with _anyone_... You should try it"

Ric shrugged, he was rather sceptical, it seemed so a feminine thing to do, he had never kept any form of journal in his life. Furthermore, if he needed to express his emotions, he did, he was not afraid.

"I wish you would talk to _me_, Serena..."

"Ric, I can't"

"Can't or won't"

"Do not start this, _Ric_... Just don't"

"It's a simple question, Serena, can't or won't?"

"_Can't_, I want to, but, my past it's, it isn't for you to deal with, I want to make sense of it, before I share, with you" Serena looked Ric in the eye. "If that isn't something you can deal with, then, I don't know what we're doing, together"

"I'm not the one pushing away, Serena"

"You think I'm pushing you away" Serena spoke in almost disbelief. "I said, I needed some space, I asked you here, tonight, because, I wanted to spend time with you"

"We haven't spoken Serena, about what happened, you avoid it"

"I'm scared Ric, I'm scared to face it... I can't face it, not right now" Serena looked Ric in the eye, her eyes looking as if they were to burst with tears. "That stupid notebook, it's there to help me conceptualise, the stuff that I don't understand. I am _not_ a weak person, Ric, and I am not stupid, but I do not know what is going on. It's just easier, to write it down. I only started, this afternoon, but..."

Ric reached out for Serena's hand, but she flinched,

"I've for to check on the food" Serena spoke as she darted out of the living room, quicker than a flash of lightening, taking the notepad with her.

"_Serena_" Ric called, after her, following her into the kitchen, he could see her channelling all her emotions into the food that was simmering away. "... Serena..."

"Maybe, you should go" she looked up at him, not believing her words, but the thought of arguing over matters, did not help.

"Is that what you want?" Ric asked

Serena shrugged and stared blankly at him, she did not know what to do or think now. There lay an uneasy tension in the room, between herself and Ric, and she really did not like it, it started to feel as if their dream was already over, that they were not strong enough, to see this through, maybe there was not anyone out there who could handle Serena at her worst.

Ric looked back to her, he did know the answer either, he did not have any answers, and he promised he would always stick by regardless of the outcome, but even he had to admit, that this was getting tough.


End file.
